Day 043: Realizing your own hypocrisy.

When you realize the hypocrisy in your life. I had the opportunity to volunteer for the Advanced Forum this weekend. And boy was it confronting. I finally figured out my act(s). They’re closely related but may not, on the surface, seem that way. One is “Get TF away from me” and the other is “Don’t notice me”. And realizing the impact of those is really fucking hard to be with.

Like I NEVER reach out to friends or family first. The only way I talk to people via technology is if someone hits me up first. And I’m not proud of that. like at all. Doing that isolates me from others. It protects me from getting close to people and it helps me ignore the fact that people actually do care about me. Its infuriating, but its so damn hard to change.

My actions aren’t consistent with how I think and what I feel. I love and care about every one of my friends and everyone in family, but I fail to reach out to them to see how theyre doing.. Like what kind of human does that? I guess a Matthew Albrecht type human being. And I’m not making myself wrong for having done this because it makes sense with all the variables thrown in but I wish more than anything the opposite was true.

Just writing this and posting this means that I have to do better getting into other people’s worlds and my acts don’t like that at all, in fact I can feel them winning the fight already. I just get this feeling of terror when thinking about texting people out of the blue. How fucked up is that ahahahah. Oh how easy life would be I was ignorant to how dumb and pathetic all my excuses are for staying and livingn the same way.

I love my family
I love all my friends

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