Day 020: Nothing

Nothing.  Am I even allowed to do this?? This is my thing and I make all the rules so I’ll allow it, but thank you for asking.  By now it is clear to see that I’ve gone crazy (not really).  Today was a shitty day, and honestly, so was yesterday.  I made a mistake 2 nights ago,  nothing bad, just bad for me.  I ate some delicious watermelon sour patch edibles.  This is definitely not a “weed is bad” post or message because that is dumb to think.  However, it is bad for me.  Sometimes it’s not. But I have no idea going into to it which type of time I’m going to have.  Honestly it’s not even the being high part that’s bad, I usually just dance and listen to music.  It’s the aftermath – the days following getting high (I think this is especially true for edibles) that suck.

My brain has felt cloudy since Wednesday, and bogged down.  It feels like I require 10 times as much willpower as normal to do just about anything.  Just 6 days ago my 14th appreciation was “people” and now I reread that and it feels like a completely different person, a completely different mind, wrote that.  In a way that’s probably not far from the truth.  I really hate this feeling.  It doesn’t allow me to live my life in a powerful or meaningful way.

Nothing. How can I rationalize nothing as a daily appreciation?   Can you even appreciate nothing.  The lack of something?  I think technically the answer to that question is no.  But here I go anyways.  Today, this feeling of nothing, this feeling of appreciating nothing, not enjoying anything has showed me where weed has a place in my life.  That place is nowhere.  There really are a lot of positive things about weed but it’s too risky for me, it doesn’t mesh well with my brain chemistry and it doesn’t mesh well with who I am/ or what I’m up to.

Maybe appreciating something everyday for an entire year is unrealistic, right?  I’m bound to have days like this, it’s part of my life.  I’ll more than likely have a few more.  I do have 345 days left of these.  So at this rate we’re looking at around 17-34 more.  I’m going to shoot for less though.  Appreciating this feeling of “I don’t appreciate anything” is good, it gives less power to all the negativity that my brain threw at me today.  It normalizes those feelings, normalizes them in the sense that it’s just a part of life.  And I’m lucky, I can be optimistic because I’ve gone through this before, it’s only a temporary state.

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