Day 014: Humans

Humans. For most of high school I wasn’t a very social kid, a little scared of other people. I don’t think that’s how I thought back then but that’s how it looks when I think about that time of my life. My guess is that I was actually afraid of judgement more than the people who I thought were doing the judging. Fear of judgement has clearly ruled my life for a long time. Humans. Get back on track Matt. I heard Dave and other friends say “I just love people.” Then I would think to myself, why don’t I feel the same way? How do these people have such genuine love for other people? I always felt like there was something wrong with me because I didn’t share the same sentiment. Today I got to eye-gaze – look into both friends and strangers eyes – and I’ve done it once before, it’s a really amazing experience. The first time I did it I was with complete strangers and I was really present to my thoughts and judgements. I realized that I was making up judgements about myself from the other person’s perspective, like I believed I knew what they were thinking of me. I began to judge them, I would think, oh they probably don’t like this part about themselves or this is the reason why they like to wear this style of shirt. And finally I understood the ridiculousness of those thoughts. I quite literally knew nothing about the about the other person and they knew nothing about me, how in the world could I assume to know anything about their lives if they haven’t told me. And how could I assume to know what they think of me? This is the most freeing realization that I’ve come to so far in my life. Walking down the street no longer consists of me judging every person I see, figuring out their backstory, and trying to figure out what horrible thing happened in their life for them to be the way they are. Judgement really is just you projecting insecurities onto others. It’s you saying: If I was in that position, looked that way, or did that thing this is how I would be judging myself. It was really nice to have these thoughts come back to the forefront today because it’s not easy to live life free from judging, there’s a level of safety in judging, you can put yourself above.

Now I find myself a little bit closer to this idea: “I just love people.”

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